Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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