turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
