I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
