connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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