if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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