theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
