Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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