I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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