i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am available for nakedness
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