The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
