Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
