nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
