do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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