only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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