I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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