do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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