my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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