I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
