I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
