If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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