I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
