I need to stop coming to work sober
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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