Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
