I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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