Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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