You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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