Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
