It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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