At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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