I wish I could punch you in the face.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
and you fell through a lawn chair
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
