my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
