and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
