Your dad touched me again.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.