So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.