i just sent this text using only my big toe
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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