DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...