theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
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"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
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I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.