My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
