so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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