he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss