Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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