Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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