Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
