she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just googled if crying burns calories
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
