Yo dont text me then not text me
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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