Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You are a genius and a whore.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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