Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
