Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
