I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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