i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
