If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
