I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
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The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
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She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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