So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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