I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
