I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
