Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
