So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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