so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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