You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
