Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
