Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
