so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
