I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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